The Artichoke

My first experience with an artichoke was when hubby and I were invited out to dinner at a REAL swanky restaurant by a Big Time Lawyer Turned Circuit Court Judge <--- (real name---BTLTCCJ for future reference).

Feeling a lot of intimidation as I walked up the swanky stairs to the swanky restaurant, I said to hubby, "I'm nervous. I don't know how to act in a REAL swanky restaurant."

Hubby, who NEVER feels intimidated assured, "You'll be fine. What's there to be nervous about?"

Really? Does he remember what an innocent Doofus I am?

He grabbed my hand and led me to the table where BTLTCCJ was waiting. We shook hands. Mine was sweaty---I could tell cuz of the droplets on my palms and cuz I saw BTLTCCJ wipe his now wet palm off with the REAL swanky napkin that was on the table.

We were given a REAL fancy menu. I pretended that I knew what the dishes were that were listed on the REAL fancy menu. When the waiter asked what I wanted to order, I just pointed to the words. I didn't let on that I didn't know how to pronounce whatever it was that I wanted to order.

BTLTCCJ asked, "Would you like to have an artichoke for an appetizer?"

Even though I didn't know what an artichoke was, I didn't want BTLTCCJ to know that . . . so I said, "Ya, sure." (Gulp)

He ordered an artichoke for all of us to share.

"What the heck is an artichoke?" I whispered to hubby. BTLTCCJ heard. "Crud."

When the artichoke accompanied with a huge bowl of melted butter came, he showed me how to eat one. He had me strip one of the leaves (?), dip the meaty end in the butter and eat it.

"YUM!!!!" That was the best stuff I had ever eaten! I went to town on eating the meaty leaves (?) while hubby and BTLTCCJ talked about law and other stuff that was WAY over my head. I didn't care---I was eating ARTICHOKES! WOO HOO!

When hubby and BTLTCCJ finished their conversation that I was not a part of, they looked for the artichoke. It was gone. They looked at me and asked, "Where did the artichoke go?"

With my mouth packed full of artichoke stuff, I mumbled, "Mf mpphf, mffpp." (Translation---"I don't know).

Looking at the now empty artichoke plate, hubby declared, "You ate the whole thing!"

"Mpff mmppt!" (Translation---"Did not!")

"Yes you did!" pointing at the artichoke hairs that were poking out of my mouth. "You even ate the hairs!" You're not supposed to eat the hairs!"

"Mphhph M mphff"t . . . mp . . . mhf . . . m . . . Mphhff mmpphfff mphhff mpphft mphffy!" (Translation---"No I didn't . . . um . . . er . . . a . . . the waiter took the hairs away."

Hard as I tried to plead my case before a lawyer and a Big Time Lawyer Turned Circuit Court Judge <---(real name), the evidence of the artichoke hairs was still poking out of my mouth . . . Kinda like how feathers poke out of the mouth of a cat after he has eaten a bird. The "jig" was definitely up.

LESSON LEARNED: Don't talk when my mouth is full of artichoke hairs.